What do Velma (Scooby Doo), Sheldon (The Big Bang Theory), Sherlock Holmes (Sir Arthur Conan Doyle), House (House MD), and Miranda Priestly (The Devil Wears Prada) have in common?
Patronizing smiles. Blunt observations. Closed ears. And a flood of non-stop advice while looking down their rather pompous noses.
Do you know a know-it-all?
The chances are, you do. Whether it's a friend, family member, colleague or acquaintance, we've all encountered someone who thinks they know everything and is delighted, nay, determined, to share it.
At best, they are trying to help you by giving you information you otherwise might not have known. At worst, they are trying to assert dominance or show off their knowledge.
So how do you deal with them without losing your cool or starting a heated argument?
Why are know-it-alls like this?
First of all, it could be about you. If you’re in a new job, for example, it's natural to view those with more experience as overbearing. Sometimes, what comes off as know-it-all behavior is actually an attempt at genuine helpfulness. It's not their fault they’re getting paid to info-dump on you.
Or it could be about them. Maybe they are incredibly competitive and want to be seen as the best or most knowledgeable person in the room (looking at you, Enneagram Three). Maybe sharing their hard-won knowledge is how they show value (INTJs and ENTJs will relate). Then again, maybe they are a bottomless pit of unmet needs that stem from childhood and they require constant validation by anyone who will listen.
Or maybe they simply don't know how to communicate without being condescending.
It helps to understand why people behave the way they do, but empathy does not make it any easier to interact with them. Whether it’s a coworker, a friend, a classmate or a spouse, being in the room with a know-it-all can try the patience of a saint.
Navigating interactions with a know-it-all requires a blend of tact, patience and strategy. So how do you go about it? These nine tips should help.
9 steps to handling a know-it-all
1. Limit
When you’re approached by a know-it-all, grab your phone or check the clock on the wall and actually time the conversation. The key to dealing with a know-it-all is having boundaries. When you see them winding up for an info dump, let them know you have five minutes and then you have to move on. Then hold your line in the sand.
2. Validate
When you hit your time limit, speak up. Interrupt if necessary, assuming the information is not in any way vital to your own agenda. Know-it-alls are not usually up for debate, so end the conversation by letting them be right. Validate where you can to reduce their need for continuing and slow the flow of words. Say, “I sure hear that!” (even if you couldn’t care less).
3. Thank
Repeat after me: dealing with a know-it-all is neither a competition nor a collaboration. If you give them feedback, you will invite a tidal wave of advice, corrections and information. So cut the conversation by saying “thank you.” They got it off their chest and you can move on.
4. Release
Unless the know-it-all is your boss and you need this job to pay your rent, walk away or continue with your work. Talk to someone else. Pop on your earphones. Calmly and politely extricate yourself from the conversation. Remember, your time is valuable and you do not have to be subjected to their need for validation. Do this often enough, and they may get the hint.
5. Breathe
Don’t think no one else notices the know-it-all because they do. Your boss sees your coworker showing off, muscling in and demanding things their “right” way. The teacher knows who is talking over the other students. Your friend group sees who’s trying to one-up everyone else. So take a deep breath and let it go. You don’t have to correct the know-it-all or get into an argument—but you can seek solidarity from those who've also been on the receiving end.
6. Discuss
If the know-it-all is threatening your job, marriage or friendship with their antics, it’s time to have a discreet conversation with a third party. Whether you take a moment with your manager, get some counseling sessions alone or together, or call a meeting with your mentor, being proactive with the situation empowers your own path forward.
7. Redirect
If you manage a know-it-all employee, give them a way to know everything outside of team projects. After all, you likely hired them for their smarts, but you don’t want the non-stop flow of information to wash out your other employees. Have them communicate with the team in writing instead of taking over meetings, and ask them to reduce their points to a single paragraph or five bullet points ahead of time.
8. Confront
Direct confrontation is an option! But remember, you will not change someone’s personality or lifelong habits in a single conversation, especially if that person believes they know everything. If you must call the person out on the behavior, pick your battles and aim for awareness. Say something like, “I understand you’ve taken classes in the fashion industry and memorized every designer’s label, but that’s enough lecture, thank you. I have to be comfortable in my own skin, and that means I’m getting all my friend’s opinions on which dress to wear to prom.”
9. Laugh
A sense of humor can go a long way. If your know-it-all is not interested in what you know or does not take kindly to your boundaries, be prepared to shield the relationship with a smile. Agree to disagree. Save your energy and don’t let them pull you into a fight you cannot win. Change the subject. Feign surprise that you didn’t realize you were in the presence of a master. Remind everyone that you are quite comfortable not knowing everything and that’s what Google is for. Invite boredom into the conversation. Let it go.
